Ryan Oakley is a mad man (and one hell of a writer)
I've never met Ryan Oakley, but I hope to, and soon. He's a mad man, and an excellent writer. 
There will probably come a time in the fairly near future when his first book will eclipse all my sales and all my reviews, and I will have a jealous moment of gnashing what's left of my baby teeth, but then I will settle down and in my heart of hearts admit that this kid has got the kot-tam nards (or, really, they're better... they're gnards).
If you don't believe me, check out his top-notch blog called The Grumpy Owl. It's frequently outrageous, definitely inappropriate, usually fun, and always perfectly written. Read one of his recent posts which I have snarfed in full. I think he should either put it in a book (he's an up and coming novelist) or start a book with it:
"Partially spearheaded by recent comments from Stephen Hawkings and George W. Bush --just using their names in the same sentence makes me feel dirty-- there is a movement afoot to finally get to the moon. The reason is simple.
"We're really fucking this planet up.
"Nuclear war, terrorism, climate-warping -- you name it, we're wrecking it. And so our best and brightest have come up with the most logical solution: We just move. Rather, they'll just move. I don't know anyone who can afford the trip to Luna.
"It's interplanetary white flight.
"The rich overclass, the piggish plutocrats who fucked up and are fucking up the world have decided that they have to leave. And make no mistake, we're not invited. They'll leave the rest of us to burn or rot or whatever it is we do anyway. That should finally solve their problems.
"For around ten minutes.
"Pretty soon they'll have to start enslaving each other and fighting amongst themselves and carrying on like your average reptilian. You see, reptilians can't live without degrading someone. They must be at the top and they must have someone beneath their boot. They can go to the moon, they can even go to Saskatoon, but it won't change a thing. They'll just bring their shit with them. If they couldn't have peace and prosperity on a resource rich planet like Earth, a planet we evolved to deal with, what makes them think they'll have it on a rock in space? Or that we're worth saving anyway?
"If we can't solve our problems, with everything we have here, we do not deserve to survive. Just like a fish who is too lazy or stupid to swim, we should start learning or start drowning. Reproduction of this incredible defect is not the first priority.
"Using the moon as a backup drive for a genocidal, polluting species who couldn't even survive, let alone thrive, on the world that birthed it, is utterly moronic. It's like creating a backup of the virus that decimated your computer. Then emailing it to your friends so they can email it to others. There's no point. You fix the problem. You cure the virus. If you can't do that, you -- at the very least -- refuse to export or spread it. You quarantine your damn machine.
"As things stand today, knowing what we know, giving another world a bad case of humans is not an accomplishment. It's fucking criminal."
In this age of generally useless and failed attempts at cleverness via irony, it'd be understandable if someone thought my praise of Oakley above were actually a swipe. It's not. Oakley's the man. I've sent his stuff to my agent, and I hope soon you'll find his books at your local store.
There will probably come a time in the fairly near future when his first book will eclipse all my sales and all my reviews, and I will have a jealous moment of gnashing what's left of my baby teeth, but then I will settle down and in my heart of hearts admit that this kid has got the kot-tam nards (or, really, they're better... they're gnards).
If you don't believe me, check out his top-notch blog called The Grumpy Owl. It's frequently outrageous, definitely inappropriate, usually fun, and always perfectly written. Read one of his recent posts which I have snarfed in full. I think he should either put it in a book (he's an up and coming novelist) or start a book with it:
"Partially spearheaded by recent comments from Stephen Hawkings and George W. Bush --just using their names in the same sentence makes me feel dirty-- there is a movement afoot to finally get to the moon. The reason is simple.
"We're really fucking this planet up.
"Nuclear war, terrorism, climate-warping -- you name it, we're wrecking it. And so our best and brightest have come up with the most logical solution: We just move. Rather, they'll just move. I don't know anyone who can afford the trip to Luna.
"It's interplanetary white flight.
"The rich overclass, the piggish plutocrats who fucked up and are fucking up the world have decided that they have to leave. And make no mistake, we're not invited. They'll leave the rest of us to burn or rot or whatever it is we do anyway. That should finally solve their problems.
"For around ten minutes.
"Pretty soon they'll have to start enslaving each other and fighting amongst themselves and carrying on like your average reptilian. You see, reptilians can't live without degrading someone. They must be at the top and they must have someone beneath their boot. They can go to the moon, they can even go to Saskatoon, but it won't change a thing. They'll just bring their shit with them. If they couldn't have peace and prosperity on a resource rich planet like Earth, a planet we evolved to deal with, what makes them think they'll have it on a rock in space? Or that we're worth saving anyway?
"If we can't solve our problems, with everything we have here, we do not deserve to survive. Just like a fish who is too lazy or stupid to swim, we should start learning or start drowning. Reproduction of this incredible defect is not the first priority.
"Using the moon as a backup drive for a genocidal, polluting species who couldn't even survive, let alone thrive, on the world that birthed it, is utterly moronic. It's like creating a backup of the virus that decimated your computer. Then emailing it to your friends so they can email it to others. There's no point. You fix the problem. You cure the virus. If you can't do that, you -- at the very least -- refuse to export or spread it. You quarantine your damn machine.
"As things stand today, knowing what we know, giving another world a bad case of humans is not an accomplishment. It's fucking criminal."
In this age of generally useless and failed attempts at cleverness via irony, it'd be understandable if someone thought my praise of Oakley above were actually a swipe. It's not. Oakley's the man. I've sent his stuff to my agent, and I hope soon you'll find his books at your local store.
Comments
I just wanted to give some credit to my friend Daryl Banks for that photo. It's the very least I can do after what I did to that poor model. I seriously think that spending an afternoon with me traumatized her.
Anyway - Daryl's site:
http://darylbanks.com/